


In the christmas lights

by FallingSlowlyForAGirl



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Character Analysis, Christmas Eve, Christmas Fluff, F/F, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:47:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28270383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallingSlowlyForAGirl/pseuds/FallingSlowlyForAGirl
Summary: Alex and Maggie just shared their first kiss. It just so happened to be christmas eve and everything seems to be magical. However, being together might not be as easy as it seemed. Maggie notices that Alex clearly has some issues that she has never dealt with as they get to know each other better. Some  minor angst and definitely major fluff….
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33
Collections: Secret Sanvers | A Sanvers Winter Holiday 2020 Event





	In the christmas lights

**Author's Note:**

  * For [danversxsawyer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/danversxsawyer/gifts).



Alex is breathless, she just can’t stop staring at Maggie.

Its christmas and all these years, she has been feeling like something was missing, this intense kind of loneliness that she couldnt yet place

And now she is here, with Maggie, looking at her like that.

With the sparkly kind of eyes that makes every christmas light in the room looks dull

And again, Maggie feels the incredible urge to just jump her now or push her against the wall. Alex is looking at her with eyes bigger and more shiny and those in the christmas tree, but she refrains. She reminds herself that she is gonna touch every inch of this beautiful woman one day she promises herself, but not today.

She reminds herself that this was all going to be new and hard and shiny and overwhelming for Alex. Maggie knows that even though Alex can present herself as the biggest badass or toughest person on earth, she is actually quite insecure.

And Alex is acting now like it is not a big deal. But Maggie is scared she has had her body closed off entirely and not only from intimacy but actually just from any human touch except from her sister or J’onn.  
Maggie realises she has seen her wince when her mother hugged her and even rubbed herself uncomfortably after James had tried to hug her.

And so Maggie moves slowly, realising she must have gotten lost in thought, looking deep into Alex’s eyes, she brushes the crinkle that had appeared at Alex's forehead away.

As suspected, Alex inhales sharply and shied away slightly and Maggie and suddenly a bad feeling takes over. She nods to herself: yes Alex is clearly not used at all to the contact even if her body is telling her this is what she wants. It’s not just about Alex being gay and new at this. It’s about Alex’s life and experiences. Maggie has always seen that Alex has some issues. Her mom, her sister, her dad, even her relationship with herself: the number of healthy relationships Alex has had, even if they did all love Alex with all their hearts, were countable on one hand.

And Maggie keeps sinking. This isn’t the first time she has seen Alex flinch like this when someone touches her or gives her personal attention but Maggie is trying to pinch it together why it is this extreme.

Maggie knows Alex has never felt like she was good enough. Knows her parents never made her feel good enough. She has always been under a tremendous amount of pressure and Maggie thinks that would make anyone uncomfortable with themselves. She always had to be trying harder, never comfortable, could never take a breather or relax.

And then there was of course that Alex was gay, and she realised this late. She spend her childhood thinking about everyone but herself. First she only thought about her sister and taking care of her and even though Maggie loved Eliza, Maggie knew Alex had been thought to put someone elses life always above her own. And Alex loved avoiding her problems, anything so she didn’t have to deal with it. 

It had become Kara to booze to the DEO.  
Alex never went through puberty or college like everyone else did in that way. Didn’t get to discover herself in high school, didn’t get to change constantly until she got to know who she really was. And after that, she didn’t have to think about how unhappy she was or who she was or wanted to be. Didn’t get to discover because she was always avoiding thinking with drinking alcohol, Maggie suspected.

And then J’onn saved her. And Maggie was thankful. But at the same time, for someone like Alex who had been running from her problems by then for over 10 years, she felt like j’onn didn’t make her deal with her problems. Didn’t push Alex to deal with the mental problems she was dealing with which had led to her drinking. Basically he just gave her another addiction to avoid her own mind with. 

All of that had let to Alex being the least self aware person she knew. A person who was afraid to be different even if she was extraordinary to Maggie in every single way. Maggie didn’t think Alex knew her body or herself for that matter and that scared her. 

What scared her even more was whether she would be able to fix it or rather whether Alex would be able to face her problems. She wanted to stay with Alex, hell she even knew she was pretty messed up. But she saw a therapist every week. She acknowledged that she needed the help to stay in control and manage her own life. 

Alex however, had always had to be perfect and Maggie was more afraid of everything that Alex wouldn’t want to work or talk about things she found difficult. Scared that all those years of closing herself off had lead to her being a soldier by default.

Her body seems to all-in however. It responded like every other girlfriend ever did to Maggies touch. Maggie doubts if her mind would not be a lot more overwhelmed if her body hadn’t taken over her thoughts. But for right now, she is impressed. It sparks hope within her that Alex’s body is at least still responding. And Alex is brave and it’s christmas and Maggie is thinking the worst right now while she should just talk to Alex and give her a chance.

“so listen” Maggie whispers

“we should take this slow, we shouldn’t take this any further tonight”

Alex just looks at her in confusion

“you’re kidding right?”

Alex swallows heavily and suddenly looks away

Maggie is taken aback by this reaction  
“Alex…. She starts doubtingly, why would I be joking about that”

“owh you were serious” Alex forces a chuckle and starts talking with her hands, making it very clear to Maggie that Alex doesn’t think it is funny at all.

Maggie just raises an eyebrow in question, encouraging Alex to explain

Then she decides to show her and brushes her lips over Alex and enjoys the shiver she gets as a reaction before she pulls away, waiting for Alex to relax completely and entirely. 

“no” she whispers, “i wasn’t kidding”

“i want a relationship with you, but not at any pace”

“and I am scared by the reaction you just gave me”

“owh I was just kidding”, Alex whispered while moving her eyes towards the christmas lights

Maggie puts her hand under Alex’s chin and forces Alex to look at her

“no”, “don’t do that”, “you don’t have to lie to me”

“that’s why I just drifted away”

“I am scared that you are not thinking about yourself, that you don’t know how to”

Alex just looked at her with big glaring eyes

“And that’s not your fault”, Maggie continued  
“I know you like me and I know you want me”  
“but I can see that you are uncomfortable right now” Maggie hesitated, “and you’re not talking to me about it”  
“This can work, but… without communication Alex…. You would even loose the love of your life”

Alex swallowed visibly  
“what do you want me to say”, she whispered

“How you feel, what you are thinking” Maggie whispered even more softly

“what i can do to make you more comfortable and you know can feel bad even if it doesn’t have anything to do with you coming out”  
And Maggie thought she was breaking through to Alex because she saw Alex swallow multiple times and revert her eyes to the christmas lights one more time before she closed her eyes, breathed out and started talking.

“you were right. I feel uncomfortable. I feel new and inexperienced and stupid. I feel like I haven’t thought about sex and love and sexuality for so long that i am too late now and that i’ve missed my chance just because i didn’t want to see it. I can be a soldier and do my job greatly, i can take care of Kara. But in my own life, now that I have to think about these things, about who I am. I don’t seem to have a clue. I am not a boss or a leader or though or stoic but i feel anxious and weird all the time. Feelings about being different, about having a life apart from Kara, they all come together in tainted fear and guilt”. 

Alex exhaled deeply and wrenched her fingers together before she continued.  
“I want to learn, but I am not ready to see a lot”, “not ready to face a lot”, “not ready to see that I had a hard time facing my life if it wasn’t related to Kara or my work”.

She added the last sentence shyly.

“i don’t want you to expect who you’ve seen so far as Agent Danvers because that’s not who I am going to be now in my personal life even if I have come out”. “I don’t want to disappoint you”. 

“I want to talk to you but it’s so unnatural for me to talk about my feelings. I can’t remember many times it has actually helped” so I might need a little push. 

“What push do you need right now”Maggie whispered back while pushing a curl away from Alex’s face.

“I am stressed and overthinking” Alex said, hesitantly, awkwardly. “help me relax maybe?”

And Maggie thought she had never looked at anyone that beautiful. Vulnerable, rambling but open, every beautiful feature reflected in the christmas lights. And this wasn’t even close to everything. This wasn’t having a conversation, it was a list, a rambling. And yes, Maggie thought Alex might need some help to deal with some of those things. But for now, this was Alex trying and it was the most beautiful christmas gift Maggie could have asked for.

So Maggie has to take it slow. Alex is so innocent, so new, Maggie's own ray of sunshine and she wants to take care of her. She wants to make sure Alex doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t feel comfortable with or do anything just because Maggie wants it.  
And Maggie guesses that this is all a new way in which Alex is gonna have to open up again and she doesn’t seem to realize so herself. Doesn’t seem to realize that her adventure or journey is only beginning now. How much she will still grow.

But Maggie wants to be here for it. Alex is badass and caring and weird and funny and different and beautiful and smart and amazing. Maggie wants to be here for all of it. She felt it immediately when they met. They clicked. And so they would grow, they would work on it but for now, this was perfect. This wasn’t Alex holding her back or Maggie not seeing her as one of the toughest people she had ever met. This was just them, starting their journey… at a perfect pace to get to know each other, to build the strongest relationship and bond they could.

And for Maggie, there was something that she had always wanted to do with a girlfriend at christmas but it had always felt too intimate with her previous girlfriends. But with Alex, she didn’t feel like she would laugh in her face or it would be weird. It felt safe. She could trust her. Maybe it was the season, but she had always wanted to dance under the christmas lights, in front of the tree, to feel that magic and to have one cliche experience with someone she loved.

And so for now Maggie just extended her hand to dance, no pressure, no promises, no deep waters. Maggie just rested her forehead on Alex’s shoulder and moved slowly on the christmas songs that were playing softly from the radio. She just felt her, held her hand on Alex’s back and simply waited. Waited till Alex completely let go, completely relaxed and felt completely safe. Until she stopped thinking and let Maggie lead her completely. 

And so they danced, Maggie smiled softly when ‘Its the Damn season’ from Taylor Swift came in, agreeing with her nostalgia. This song was perfect for how she was feeling right now, for the atmosphere. She hoped her story with Alex would be just as beautiful and long as in the song. More accurately, just as complete, she just realised.

With her parents, she didn’t get to see the entire picture. Didn’t get to see while she was a child that her parents love was conditionally and didn’t get to be there for the fights and the bad parts because she was simply kicked out. She didn’t get to grow ever with her parents or girlfriends because they never lasted as long. 

And Maggie longed for that. Even though she was against christmas, valentines and every over romaticized holiday, Maggie longed for every experience with Alex she realised. She couldn’t wait to have their own romantic and nostalgic Taylor Swift story song.

One where they could celebrate holidays like this. Where dancing with Alex would just be enough and the christmas decorations would be a plus because they only made Alex look more beautiful. She couldn’t believe she was thinking this positively about holidays again, she never thought she would. 

But also the bad parts. She had traumas, she had been hurt before. But so had Alex. And her level of stress with family, with being herself, her anxities with opening up and her fear of being let down, Alex understood. In so many ways, they were the same. And Maggie couldn’t wait to also have those bad parts and to grow, to help Alex grow. Hell to send her cute cat gifs to ease her anxiety or stress when she doesn’t even know herself how stressed she is getting.

She doesn’t want a romance or a holidate, she wants a relationship with this woman. She wants many christmases. She is falling fast. My heart is lighting up like those stupid christmas lights she thought, and just for once, Maggie couldn’t wait for it to light up more.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!!! lemme know what you think


End file.
